Introspection

It's been so long since I actually wrote a note on here. Not that I ever write a diary anymore, but if i remember correctly, during the first year in melbourne, I wrote a lot. And I know I like writing when there are things on my mind, when there are worries, stresses, frustration, anger, confusion, broken pieces in the heart, and chaos in my emotions.

It's actually a good thing that I haven't written for a while. Even though I want to write, I've always wanted to write, but over the past few months, I just don't know what to write. When I feel like writing, its just thoughts flowing around my head, shit running into each other on my mind. But over the past few months, I just don't know what to write about. I don't know what to vent about on this white space. It means my mind has been at peace right? At least all of the stuff that caused me inner frustration has disappeared.

I'm not in love. And I don't know if I want to be in one. I used to be in love. I fell in love. I fell for some guy and things didn't blossom and turn all pink. Every girl fell in love. Girls dream to fall in love. And then what? once these little innocent girls fall in love, how long does it take to mend one's inner security? Do you remember the feeling you felt when you were young, innocent, and never had a boyfriend? and then you fell in love with your first boyfriend and since then you always felt some sort of continuous urge to seek for another? Yet, you often find yourself falling for the wrong ones... but in order to fix those emotional distortions, you try to find a rebound to bounce you back on track. But did it ever fix what was lost ? Could the hole once screwed be completely covered again?

Okay, I might sound like a psycho bitch who just got over a heartbreak lol. Nah, I've gotten over my heartbreaks a long time ago. And I'm actually happy that now I am back on track. I used to fall for attention, I fell for sweet words. I fell for the comfort and romance someone showered me with. I fell for someone just for the sake of having someone there to kill my loneliness. Now, I don't need those men...those men that I actually don't want but just to keep to make myself feel good... I don't need them anymore. I don't even care if a hot player is playing games with me. I don't care if someone can shower me with presents or expensive meals. I don't care if someone can provide me temporary comfort and warmth.

I left Bangkok two years ago... because I wanted to explore the real world...the world where I live on my own, do things on my own, away from parents, be in a new environment, speak another language 24-7, be in a new place where I barely know anyone. Though my parents might not be proud of me that I have used a lot of money...shit loads of money... that I haven't finished my fcking degree... that I don't have a decent part-time job so they can stop sending me pocket money...that I choose to live in an expensive apartment... but I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself that I can be in another city where I barely know anyone and now I feel like this place is home. I call this place home. If I was overseas and someone asked me where I'm from, I'd say I'm from Melbourne. I'm proud of myself that I could see the world in another perspective. Not being born here and living life to the fullest here now makes me see things in a different way. I see things from an outsider perspective. And when seeing the other places I'd still continue to see things from all points of views like this. I understand their attitudes, their thinking, their way of life. And that's something education can't teach you. I know my parents still don't see what I've learned from this experience and I'm way too tired to explain to them what I've learned if all they can see is that they support me financially to get a degree here and that I should get a degree and get a good job. I don't know how to explain to them the unexplainably valuable experience from living overseas...and from being able to integrate the locals way of life into mine...and to comprehend their way of thinking as well. That's pretty amazing, isn't it?

It's a challenge. And it's fun. And if I think of moving to another country, that's going to be the way I see things. Yes moving... I don't want to go overseas for just a few weeks and walk along shopping streets and buy expensive shoes like those asian kids usually do. All they care about is shopping. If I'm going to visit a city, I have to live there for a while in order to understand the way of life and the way the locals think. It's fun to try to adjust yourself and act like one just like when I tried to change my accent from American to Aussie and now I can't even speak with an American accent anymore. Its hard to sew a habit, but once you see it as a fun challenge, you just forget about how hard it is to sew a habit.


Now that's the new challenge for me...to sew a habit ...

Competing in this competitive world with millions of people striving to be on top and above you is hard. But the hardest thing and often ignored is winning your own self, being in control of your own mind, disciplining your actions, getting rid of the bad habits and sewing the new good ones. Competing with your inner self is hard... real hard...

Do you have any tricks in successfully sewing a new habit???